My Bloody Valentine 3D - Movie Review

There is only one reason to watch My Bloody Valentine 3D.


Director Patrick Lussier
Stars Jensen Ackles, Jaime King, Kerr Smith, Betsey Rue, Edi Gathegi, Tom Atkins, Kevin Tighe and Megan Boone

I’ll give you a clue - it has nothing to do with ‘My Bloody Valentine’ – although we’re sure there are many horror fans who will be interested to see a virtual remake of the 1981 flick Quentin Tarantino dubbed “the greatest slasher movie of all time”.
And, no, it isn’t Betsy Rue’s lengthy full frontal scene – although it is probably worth the price of admission alone.
It’s the 3D effects. Of course, making horror movies 3D is nothing new. But judging by the two notable examples which spring to mind – Jaws 3D and Freddie’s Dead: The Final Nightmare – it’s fair to say it’s a largely been an unsuccessful marriage - so far.
My Bloody Valentine at least delivers the 3D goods. Throughout the course of the movie you will spend your time dodging pickaxes, tree branches and various body parts – all good fun.
But take away the effects and you really are not left with much.
In fact, watching My Bloody Valentine 3D is like peering into Kirsten Dunst’s mouth – a big gummy mess.
Sure, the 3D effects are a nice distraction, but not enough to brush aside the film’s eminent shortcomings.
First, we have the rather ludicrous plot, which admittedly sticks quite closely to the much-feted original. Now, this could take a while.
It basically revolves around Tom Hanniger – played by Wentworth Miller lookalike Jensen Ackles (Smallville and Supernatural) - who, as an inexperienced coal miner in his father’s mine, causes an accident which traps and kills five men and sends the only survivor, Harry Warden, into a coma.
A year later, Warden wakes up in hospital on Valentine’s Day and proceeds to hack 22 people up with his pickaxe – as you do.
He is finally tracked down and killed, but the guilt sends Hanniger over the edge, who leaves the sleepy town of Harmony and girlfriend Sarah (Jaime King – Slackers, Sin City) and best mate Axel (Kerr Smith – Final Destination) to pick up the pieces.

A decade later, he returns to find his ex-girlfriend and best mate, now the sheriff, are hitched.
But, even worse, within minutes of his return, a killer dressed in Harry Warden’s coal mining gear and gas mask (think Darth Vader’s inbred, redneck cousin) is once again wreaking havoc, killing dwarves and hacking pieces off the good townspeople of Harmony. Bugger!
Then there is the acting and the script. Now, we realise that director Patrick Lussier has tongue firmly pressed against cheek throughout most of the movie, but by the end of it we were not even sure which bits were supposed to be funny.
It didn’t help that a lot of the actors spent most of their time spitting out their lines while wearing the expression of someone who had been forced to smell their mate’s fart.
Old pros Kevin (Lost) Tighe and the great Tom (Creepshow) Atkins do their best, but the only thing that really adds any depth is the effects. Even the rats cannot act.
But where My Bloody Valentine 3D really falls down is as a horror movie. Strip away the gimmicks, it’s a very sub-standard slasher movie.
The death scenes are unoriginal and fail to exploit the effects in great, er, depth. Plus, there is very little suspense. A crime for someone like Lussier, who has served as horror auteur Wes Craven’s editor for many years.
In fact, the scariest thing about the film is the randy dwarf who owns the local motel.
My Bloody Valentine? More like My Bloody Waste of Time.

The Unborn: Movie Review (2009)

Starring: Odette Yustman, Gary Oldman, Meagan Good, Jane Alexander.

Running time: 1 hour, 28 minutes.

Rated: PG-13 for intense sequences of violence and terror, disturbing images, thematic material and language including some sexual references.

Let's treat the horror film "The Unborn" as a teachable moment. The movie's not very good, but there are ideas, good and bad, in its execution that are worth mulling over.
Cast the best actors you can afford. If you can get Jane Alexander to play a Holocaust survivor, James Remar as a two-scenes dad, Carla Gugino as a ghost-mom with no lines in her flashback scenes and Gary Oldman and Idris Elba as a rabbi and a priest who moonlight as exorcists (hey, we all have to take on second jobs in this economy), you do it.
Putting your skinny young leading lady (Odette Yustman of "Cloverfield") in panties in several scenes and on the poster? Again, smart move. Know your audience for PG-13 horror. Yustman, an indifferent Jennifer Connelly clone, is so thin you could roll a bagel, with lox, between those thighs. Not that you'd want to do that sort of thing.
But this fright show from writer-director David S. Goyer ("The Invisible," and he wrote the awful "Jumper") is a maddening hodgepodge of plot distractions, gimmick fights and too many characters. It's a pretty but pretty cluttered, un-frightening mess that brings in the Holocaust, Jewish myth and mysticism, mental illness, unsafe sex and a very strange-looking little boy (Atticus Shafer) who seems willing to hurt people to get a message to his baby-sitter, Casey (Yustman): "Jumby wants to be born now."
This freaks out Casey and sends her running to her boyfriend's arms (Cam Gigandet) and off to seek help from her superstitious friend (Meagan Good, another plum in the cast). As Casey hallucinates more visions of dogs with their heads upside down and demons in her medicine cabinet, she recalls her dead mom (Gugino) and begins to decipher this mystery, which is why she goes to the rabbi (Oldman, professional as always).
There are hair-raising moments here, though they're not the shock-edits (complete with loud musical effect) that Goyer hurls at us, the bugs or even the creepy dogs and people whose heads spin around upside to mimic the Dybbuk, an evil spirit described in Jewish folklore. A scratchy old home movie is the most chilling bit. But who takes home movies of the place where Mom was institutionalized and hung herself? And black-and-white home movies from "six years ago"?
Finally, a word of caution to parents wanting to turn their little darlings into child stars. It's bad enough naming your lad Atticus. He's going to get teased until his classmates see or read "To Kill a Mockingbird." Cashing in on your child's odd appearance (it's not makeup) is kind of creepy, no? He was a punch-line in "American Carol," too. Let him age out of his Eddie Munster years in peace.

More Links:

YouTube - The Unborn Movie Review: Beyond The Trailer

'The Unborn' stars Odette Yustman, Gary Oldman -- chicagotribune.com